Long Distance Relationship Frequently Asked Questions Featured by Long Distance Relationship Expert Dr. Guldner.
Table of Contents
- 1 Frequently Asked Questions
- 1.1 How common are long distance relationships?
- 1.2 Are long distance relationships becoming more common?
- 1.3 Do LDRs work? Do long distance relationships work?
- 1.4 Do couples in LDRs have less satisfying relationships?
- 1.5 How often should long distance couples visit one another?
- 1.6 Do couples in long distance relationships cheat on one another more frequently?
- 1.7 What is the most challenging thing about long distance relationships?
- 2 Long Distance Relationship Advice
- 2.1 How do you maintain a happy, loving relationship despite long distances?
- 2.2 Is there anything you would advise AGAINST doing?
- 2.3 Does distance increases certain problems, e.g. jealousy, misunderstandings etc?
- 2.4 Could you share some of the highlights from your research?
- 2.5 Do you have any statistics on the “average” couple in a LDR?
- 3 Recommended Resources For LDR couples
- 4 Feedback and Comments
Frequently Asked Questions
How common are long distance relationships?
Long Distance Relationship Statistics:Â The best estimates suggest that there are 3,569,000 married persons in the United States who live apart for reasons other than marital discord in 2005 (the latest data available).
This is 2.9% of all US marriages.
Compared to 2000 there are 839,000 more people in a long-distance marriage than in 2005. There was a 30% relative increase in the rate of long-distance marriages between 2000 and 2005 (2.36% of marriages in 2000 and 2.9% of marriages in 2005).
Newlyweds have an even greater chance of being long-distance early in their marriage with one study of 600 couples showing 1 in 10 were long-distance during some portion of their first 3 years.
Pre-marital couples are harder to study though research shows an estimated 4.4 million college students (20-40% of all students in some studies) are in LDRs. One study of dating relationships estimated 1 in 7 (14%) were long-distance. Extrapolating from census data it is likely that 3.5 million dating couples are long-distance.
Overall, there are just over 7 million couples (14-15 million individuals) in the US who consider themselves in a long distance relationship.
Are long distance relationships becoming more common?
Compared to 2000 there are 839,000 more long-distance marriages in 2005. There was a 23% relative increase in the rate of long-distance marriages between 2000 and 2005 (2.36% of marriages in 2000 and 2.9% of marriages in 2005). Greater exposure to far away singles accounts for part of this trend.
“People travel for their work, they commute farther, they generally travel more than we did just a few decades ago. All of these things make it more likely that they’ll fall for someone who doesn’t live nearby,” says Dr. Guldner.
The rise of Internet dating services predictably contributes to “coast-to-coast couples” – those who live on opposite ends of the nation and met on the web, but have a real, not just a virtual, relationship. Society has finally started accepting long distance relationships as a viable alternative.
So not only are there more long-distance sparks flying these days but people are far more likely to fan the flames of these romances rather than assume they would never work.
Do LDRs work? Do long distance relationships work?
Despite what many people believe, LDRs do not break up at any greater rate than more traditional, geographically close, couples.
Multiple studies comparing LDRs to geographically close couples find the same rates of breaking up over time.
Rates of Break-up for LDRs Versus Proximal (Close) Relationships (PR) from 5 Studies
- 30% PR and 27% LDR over 6 months
- 21% PR vs 37% LDR over 3 months*
- 35% PR vs. 42% LDR over 6 months*
- 23% PR vs 11% LDR over 6 months
- 25% PR vs. 8% LDR over 1 year
*Not a statistically significant difference (i.e., rates are statistically equal) (pubmed)
Do couples in LDRs have less satisfying relationships?
Multiple studies have measured relationship quality and compared couples in LDRs to those in geographically close relationships.
Couples in LDRs report identical levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment.
How often should long distance couples visit one another?
This is one of many questions about the demographics of long distance relationships, that is, the easily quantifiable parts such as how far apart couples live, how often they visit or call one another, how long they were together as a geographically close couple prior to having to separate, and so forth.
I break down long distance relationships into four broad areas – demographics, the personality of each person in the couple, the support system for the relationship, and the quality of the relationship itself. Research has shown clearly that of these four components, demographics has the least to do with the success or failure of a long distance relationship.
Couples therapists who focus on long distance relationships have understandably suggested frequent face-to-face visits. Yet when researchers carefully looked at this question, the largest and best designed studies found no relationship between how often couples visited one another and how likely they were to stay together. I realize that this seems contrary to common sense, so in the book (Long Distance Relationships) I discuss in more detail each of the studies that looked at this question. This is one of several insights that research has provided that clashes with the opinions of many “experts.”
The good news is that couples should feel free to visit one another however often you can afford to do so.
Do couples in long distance relationships cheat on one another more frequently?
A common worry among couples in long distance relationships is that their partner (or they themselves) will have an affair while they’re separated.
Common sense suggests that because partners can’t keep an eye on one another they might be more prone to wander. Researchers have examined whether couples in long distance relationships have more affairs than geographically close couples. These studies produced both good news and bad. The good news is that all three studies showed that couples in long distance relationships had no greater risk of having an affair than geographically close couples. It seems that the risk of having an affair is related more to the quality of the relationship between the couple, and the personalities involved, than on mere opportunity.
Now for the bad news: despite what the statistics say, those in long distance relationships worry much more about affairs than those in geographically close relationships.
What is the most challenging thing about long distance relationships?
The most challenging aspect of a long distance relationship is maintaining the feeling of simply being part of one another’s lives.
Couples that see one another only once a week or once a month often can feel disconnected from their partner. This disconnection can lead to an erosion of intimacy. Think of intimacy as requiring two components: 1) the sharing of emotions, and 2) inter-relatedness of daily activities. Couples in long distance relationships (LDRs) usually do a great job of sharing the emotions that they have for one another. But the second part of the equation, “interrelatedness” requires a great deal of effort. Interrelatedness means being somehow involved in your partner’s, often mundane, day-to-day activities, adventures, struggles, and accomplishments.
Geographically close couples do this almost unconsciously as they chat about little events that are upcoming or recently past.
These little events seem relevant when discussed right away, but they lose their interest and excitement when discussed in retrospect. For example, “Guess what happened to me at the grocery store?” would be a comment that geographically close couples would share later that night. Although the content may seem trivial, the unconscious connection formed between partners with each little interaction, such as this, forms the foundation of intimacy. But the same couple, placed in a long distance relationship, would likely not think to discuss this little adventure at the grocery store or would find it has lost it’s interest when brought up several days after the fact.
I sometimes compare intimacy to a rope that holds two people together. The inner core of the rope is the sharing of emotions between one another. But around this core are thousands of tiny fibers made up of each seemingly mundane exchange or experience that occurs between a couple. While no one fiber is terribly important, as a whole they create the true strength of the bond. Couples in LDRs usually have a great inner core, but by itself it will not be strong enough to hold the couple together.
They have to really work on adding the outer fibers by learning how to share in each others world even while they’re apart.
Long Distance Relationship Advice
Look:
Would you like to know how to make your long distance relationship work?
If you follow these long distance relationship advice you can dramatically improve your LDR. You will learn the pitfalls of talking on the telephone, how to share you day-to-day events, how to be intimate & much more.
Right here I will share 6 insanely quick and easy actionable long distance relationship advice. These are all proven tips to make the best out of your LDR.
Here’s the deal:
How do you maintain a happy, loving relationship despite long distances?
Our research found six critical areas that couples must tackle to keep a long distance relationship happy and healthy.
1. Stay Optimistic! When we looked at dozens of coping styles used by couples in long distance relationships, the only one that clearly stood out was staying optimistic about the relationship. When I work with long distance couples I focus on three parts to staying optimistic: Debunk the myths, challenge the nay-sayers, and focus on the positive. Research shows that, despite what many people think, LDRs do not have any greater chance of breaking up than any other relationship. LDRs report just as much satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment as traditional relationships. People in LDRs do NOT have more sexual affairs than other couples. LDRs are NOT a “bad idea” and, in fact, are often the very best alternative of those available. Challenging the nay-sayers requires that couples not simply put up with others who tell them LDRs “never work.” Ask them how they know this, as research shows this is not true. We would not put up with someone telling us that our geographically close relationship was “doomed,” so don’t let them say the same thing about our LDR.
Focusing on the positive asks couples to remember the advantages that come with an LDR (and there are many!)
2. Re-Learn How to be Intimate. This refers back to the answer for your first question. Couples in LDRs often use their precious time together or on the telephone to share heartfelt emotions in an effort to bond. But they don’t focus on the mundane issues needed to feel inter-connected and intimate. Our research found that what couples say and how they say it matters far more than how frequently they communicate.
We use a five-step approach to re-learning intimacy.
- First, find ways to share in the little day-to-day events. If couples have access to email, send an email in the am discussing the day’s plans, and a second in the evening telling how everything went. Couples that talk nightly need to make sure to talk about how their day went and their plans for the next day. Couples with less contact can keep a diary of items that they want to share with their partner the next time they do talk. Without this, these little events will vanish from memory. Keep track of your partner’s events as well so you can ask about them and feel a part of them. Some couples use hand held tape recorders to “chat” with their partner throughout the day. The tape is then sent to the partner who can feel connected to their partner’s world. Although often couples share deep emotions on these tapes, the real focus should be run-of-the-mill chatter about the day. Some couples use Polaroid pictures or digital camera pictures to show their partner’s little things that go on during the day.
- Second, use technology to create intimacy. Couples in geographically close relationships create intimacy unconsciously as they chat with one another while doing other activities. This creates a feeling of “being in the world together” that is separate from the feelings shared when two people are wholly focused on one another. Purchase a hands-free cordless phone (about $50-99 in the US). This allows one to do laundry or clean up or other chores while talking to their partner simultaneously (this is called “parallel communication” in the research world). This can change the whole feel of a telephone call and produce much greater intimacy in the long run.
- Our research found that couples in LDRs that stayed together wrote to one another twice as often as those that broke up (even when we controlled for differences in trust, commitment, etc.) Hand written letters (not email) have an important psychological impact that fosters intimacy. Scenting these letters with a particular cologne or perfume also can have a profound effect for some couples.
- Understand the pitfalls of talking on the telephone. Unfortunately, research shows that talking on the telephone has a number of important drawbacks. Arguments are more difficult to resolve, opinions are difficult to predict, couples feel misunderstood and attacked, and they may judge their partner as less sincere and intelligent then when talking face-to-face. Couples have to learn to pick up on subtle problems that occur while on the telephone and learn how to discriminate between problems that result from simply using the telephone and those that are more serious.
- Use reminders of your partner frequently. There are many ways to keep your partner near psychologically, when they can’t be near physically. Photographs are the most obvious, but you can also now buy talking photographs in which your partner leaves a digitally recorded message that can be replayed with the touch of a button. Digital recording key chains are inexpensive and can record several seconds of your partner’s voice. More expensive are digital video telephones that send a live picture of your partner every few seconds while you talk on the telephone. Cards or letters with a favorite scent can help by tapping into a third sense along with site and sound.
3. Some things must be said. Couples in LDRs often don’t discuss certain topics that are critical to relationships. Faced with limited time together, couples often don’t want to “spoil” a weekend by bringing up issues. This leads to a tendency to postpone (often indefinitely) discussing important topics. Research has shown that while couples in LDRs argue less frequently than others, they also progress more slowly. Similarly, couples in LDRs can come to idealize their partner (downplaying the negative side) which works well until the couple re-unite. Then disillusionment can set in. To combat this effect we recommend that couples formalize a time to talk about the relationship and address problems that might otherwise fester. One specific topic that is often not addressed involves “ground rules” about interacting with other people that might be considered a threat to the relationship. For example, is it okay to go out with someone for dinner? Is it okay to go to a movie together? Some dating couples even allow for dating other people. In our study we found that about 30% of couples who discussed ground rules broke up, regardless of whether they decided to date others or not. But 70% of couples who did not discuss this topic broke up. Finally, we remind couples in LDRs to generously applaud the contributions of their partners.
Men in LDRs in particular feel that their partners did not acknowledge their contributions.
4. Don’t Isolate Yourself! Research has found that those in LDRs very frequently cut themselves off from others. They use work as a distraction from the loneliness. They feel awkward when they’re out in public. Their ambiguous status – physically single but not romantically available – can be uncomfortable in certain social situations. Sometimes people feel lonelier when they’re out in public seeing other couples having fun. Frequently those in LDRs must focus on work while they’re apart in order to have time to spend with their partner when together. All of these contribute to a tendency to simply turn inward when separated. Yet, we know that the degree of social support from friends and family predicts both the emotional difficulty someone will have while separated and the likelihood that the relationship will stay together. Because of this we encourage those in LDRs to make an effort to spend time with friends and to get out and socialize. We also have found that having a confidant is very important.
A confidant is a friend (other than the romantic partner) with whom concerns about the relationship and other important topics can be safely discussed.
5. Expect Disappointment. Couples in LDRs sometimes measure the success of their relationship by the perceived quality of the most recent time spent together. If the weekend went great then the relationship is doing well. If the weekend was a disappointment then the relationship is in trouble. All relationships have their ups and downs and geographically close relationships can absorb these ups and downs more easily by simply spending more time together. Separated couples sometimes languish in despair or anxiety in between a “down” time.
Simply realizing that there will be some disappointing times together – and that this is normal – will help with those less than glorious weekends.
6. And Finally, Learn the Art of Long Distance Sex. Couples therapists recognize that a couple’s sexual experience often parallels and predicts the overall relationship intimacy. Fortunately, research has shown that couples in LDRs report just as satisfying sex lives as their geographically close counterparts. When reuniting, couples in LDRs often report a “honeymoon” effect complete with intense and novel sexual escapades (one of the advantages of LDRs). When apart, couples need to learn how to be sexual without being physically close. Usually this involves either telephone sex or erotic letters, pictures, or videos. In dealing with couples in LDRs I’ll often assess each person’s comfort with the idea of long distance sex. Do they feel comfortable talking “erotically” over the telephone? Are they comfortable with self-pleasuring? If they want to make long distance sex part of their relationship then we work on making them more comfortable with these activities. They can start by reading sexual fantasies over the telephone (or even just to themselves first).
There are even books that teach people how to write erotic fantasies. Sometimes the sexual component of the relationship is so important to one or both partners that the quality of telephone sex can actually make or break the relationship (flo/c23170).
Is there anything you would advise AGAINST doing?
Yes. Don’t isolate yourself socially. Don’t worry about how often you can or can’t see one another – research shows it doesn’t matter that much.
Don’t worry about infidelity – people cheat because of personality issues or problems with the relationship, not because of distance (couples in LDRs are no more likely than others to cheat on one another). Don’t take advice from others too seriously – there are no “musts” in long distance relationships. LDRs are more similar to traditional relationships than they are different. Don’t let someone tell you that you “must” talk to one another every night or that you “must” see each other once a month. The research shows this isn’t true.
Many people stress that it is important to maintain separate lives, and not merely sit home and wait for the partner to return. Can you explain why this is so important?
Yes. Maintaining separate lives supports long distance relationships in many ways. It contributes to being social, which we’ve already talked about. It allows one to be productive and to grow as a person – one of the great advantages of an LDR. Our research found that those in LDRs who were in school, for example, compared to those in geographically close relationships, were generally more successful and found their education more interesting, rewarding, and constructive. Thus, couples can still have an intimate caring relationship with the one they love, AND they can both develop in ways that they couldn’t have otherwise. Couples in LDRs often talk about something researchers have called “compartmentalization.” This refers to psychologically breaking their life up into distinct compartments – one the life they have when they’re together with their partner, and the other the life they have when apart. When they are separated they move into the “apart” compartment and focus on work or self-improvement or socializing; thoughts about the partner are present but not paramount or all consuming. This helps them psychologically deal with the separation. Those who just “sit by the phone” have not developed an “apart” compartment and they still try to live in the “together” world even when they’re not.
This uses a tremendous amount of psychological energy that could be used in much better ways.
When I work with someone who is truly devastated by an LDR it often involves teaching them how to develop an “apart” compartment and how to move away from the “together” world and into this new compartment at appropriate times.
Oregon State University:Â oregonstate.edu.
Does distance increases certain problems, e.g. jealousy, misunderstandings etc?
Yes, some problems may be made worse by distance.
For example, even though we know that couples in LDRs do not cheat on one another any more than geographically close couples, we also know that those in LDRs worry more about cheating.
Because they cannot visually monitor their partner in the same way as a geographically close couple can, they sometimes create a fantasy world in which their partner is cheating. This fantasy often would be dispelled in a geographically close relationship as couples monitor one another unconsciously or consciously. In an LDR this monitoring is far more difficulty and these fantasies can get out of hand.
Also, as I discussed earlier, the use of the telephone can increase misunderstandings because of the lack of visual cues. A vast amount of information is conveyed by the facial expression or hand gestures or body position. This is all lost over the telephone and a simple comment can be greatly misunderstood. Also, as we’ve talked about above, some couples in LDRs are reluctant to discuss certain topics for fear of “rocking the boat” or “spoiling” time together.
Thus when a topic is misunderstood they sometimes will not address this misunderstanding and it can escalate into something much greater than it originally had been.
Our research, conducted at Purdue University in Indiana, looked at 200 couples in LDRs and 200 couples in geographically close relationships and examined hundreds of different aspects of the relationships (Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships).
We also followed couples in LDRs over time to see what contributes to break ups among LDRs. We looked at people in LDRs to see how they coped with separation and to see what psychological effects separation had on them. We also attempted to estimate the number of couples in LDRs in the U.S..
I’ve also studied the literature on separated couples over the last 10 years and I believe we have the largest collection of research on separated couples in existence. A couple of additional research highlights not discussed above include:
Most people in LDRs experience some mild depression.
This does not seem to improve with time or experience and is probably a type of “reflex” reaction to separation. The degree of depression is not enough to cause any significant difficulties (such as happens with major depression). Thus symptoms of major depression should not be attributed solely to the separation and reunion is unlikely to effectively treat this depression. Individuals must learn how to address this mild depression rather than wait and hope it will go away with time.
The emotional response to separation is relatively constant and predictable – protest, despair/depression, detachment. Protest can range from a mild, playful, “please stay” to significant anger. Despair and depression are ubiquitous, though mild, and this probably helps to prevent people from staying in the “protest” phase, which would be generally fruitless and very psychologically tiring. The “detachment” phase occurs as people move into the “apart” compartment that I talked about earlier. This is usually a healthy move but sometimes people become too detached and are unable to reconnect appropriately when they’re together.
When working with couples in LDRs I usually try to assess each of these three phases to see if there are difficulties in one or more and then address each in turn.
Do you have any statistics on the “average” couple in a LDR?
The following table shows both the average (median) response and the range of 95% of LDRs from a sample of over 200.
- How far apart do they live?
- Average: 125 miles
- 95% range: 30 miles to 950 miles
- How often do they visit one another?
- Average: 1.5 times a month
- 95% range: once a week to once every four months
- How often do they call one another?
- Average: once every 2.7 days
- 95% range: at least once a day to once a month
- How long are their telephone calls typically?
- Average: 30 minutes
- 95% range: 2 minutes to 1 hour 20 minutes
- How often do they write one another (not including email)?
- Average: three letters a month
- 95% range: never to every other day
- How long do they expect to be separated before they can move closer to one another?
- Average: 14 months
- 95% Range: one month to four years
Recommended Resources For LDR couples
Books
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Feedback and Comments
Please leave a comment below, and let us know what you think! ??
I am in a healthy relationship with an American man for a year and 5 months. it was difficult to admit, but we soon admitted to each other that we were madly in love with each other. My best friend knew it straight away, she knows me inside and out. I have never been so in love with a man as I am with him. our connection is amazing and we have the same approach to life. He is the love of my life. I had an anxiety disorder for 10 years before I met him and I overcame it 5 years before I met him. We met each other in my hometown at work, i’m a stage manager and he is a soundengineer for a american bluegrass band. I immediately thought what a nice man and he later thought the same about me. and we had a few drinks after work until I had to leave because I had to work for his band again the next day. the band went to rehearse and we spent the afternoon eating falafel and chatting about everything. I thought that I wanted to keep in touch, but that also makes no sense, he lives in America, and at that moment he asked me and if he could have my Instagram name and stay in contact. I was really happy and my answer was yes. then we went back and I decided to go home. our goodbye was very strange. I wanted to kiss him and he felt a lot too. I had tears in my eyes on the bike and I’ll never see it again. and he was upset too. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. When I got home he had already sent me a message. I was really intensely happy. And when we started, from that moment on we chatted every day. he sent me pictures and I sent him. and he kept me informed of everything. I chatted with him for a month and I really wanted to see him before he went home. I suggested we meet the day before he left in amsterdam. And he thought that was a great plan. we had all thought of things to do and I was really looking forward to it. Then my cat got sick and I couldn’t leave it alone and I asked him if he wanted to come to Groningen. he did not respond enthusiastically. I had given him space to think about that. the band eventually convinced him that he had to go because he was chatting and calling me non-stop. I was so happy! we had the most fantastic day and I was nervous but it also felt confident. we looked for my cat and walked and talked and he washed clothes and it felt like it had always been like this. he suddenly kissed me and I didn’t dare and he was going to stay the night, but because of the hectic atmosphere at Schiphol he had to leave again that evening. We didn’t have sex, but before he left we kissed very intimately on my couch and if he didn’t have to leave we would definitely have had sex. then I took him to the station and I told him if you meet someone else then that’s fine and he got very confused and I didn’t realize what I was doing. I was scared. When he was back home we continued to talk and facetime day in and day out and we tell each other so many times how much we love and miss eacht other and eventually we wanted to see each other and he was actually going to come to me but then suddenly he couldn’t so we decided that I would go to him. For someone who had an anxiety disorder, that was quite a big deal. but I did it and it went really well. it was weird seeing him in real life and in Chicago. it was very difficult but also fantastic, lots of sex and talking and walking. but he drinks a lot and that was very difficult for me. but when I was back home after 3 weeks we decided a week later that I would come back for 2 months. Those two months were very nice but also difficult because he drank so much. he never hurt me but sometimes you get into fights because someone is drunk and I’m not. but we kept talking and motivated to keep a relationship. he is the love of my life and he also said he wanted to change that. Minus his alcohol consumption, he is the most perfect man I have ever met. I can talk to him about anything and we have so much fun and we have the same values. and we also want to marry each other and I want to emigrate there. When I came home I had a very difficult time. I was so insecure and scared that he didn’t like me and jealous about other woman and scared that I wasn’t good enough and that my English wasn’t good enough and that he prefers to talk to other women and that I would lose him and I kept that to myself until 4 months ago. I had a very bad childhood and only bad relationships and he is the first relationship that is really good. my mother never saw me and my brothers were always her everything. she is very negative and really made my life hell. When I was 4 years old, she had to leave her house, so I lived in a bus with my father for a year. I haven’t had any contact with her for a long time but she is angry with me and she hates me. I have had an incredible bond with my boyfriend’s mother ever since we met. she came up with the idea of doing EMDR for my old traumas. I started doing that and after 3 sessions I was over my traumas. I felt euphoric and I have never felt so good in my entire life. my friend was completely impressed. When I had my period things went wrong, it was very emotionally difficult, I thought everything had been for nothing and all I could do was cry. When I stopped having my period it was better, but not as much as in the beginning. but my therapist said that was normal. A while ago I noticed that the contact with my boyfriend was decreasing and that we did message, but he did more of his own thing and still drank a lot. the relationship I had before was also with a man who was an alcoholic and that was very difficult and I had an anxiety disorder so it was very difficult for him but also for me. I can talk very well with my boyfriend about his alcohol use and he also says that he is doing it, but I doubt it.I dont want to live togehter with someone who drinks a lot i;m so scared about the future. I’m going back to him in 10 days for 3 months and I’m very scared. I’ve also noticed lately that I don’t miss him and that I’m not horny. We haven’t seen each other for 4 months now and before I stopped missing him, I missed him very obsessively and was horny a lot. I doubt everything and whether I still love him and whether he still loves me and I doubt my sexuality and I am very scared and i don’t no what to do. I told him that i’m scared and that i have doubs about my sexuality and if he still loves me and if i stil love him. I also talked about all of this with my best friend who I have known since I was 8 and she tells me not to worry. I’m so scared to see him again and I don’t no what to do. Does anybody have experience with this?
I have been in a ldr for about 6 months and I have mixed emotions. My guy is so amazing but he lives in brazil and I am in California. We have never met in person but we have talked everyday since we met. I have been learning Brazilian Portuguese for 9 months and I still have a lot to learn lol but I because we are learning each others language and culture it makes things difficult. He’s always so cool about everything which is the Brazilian way and so sometimes I take it as lack of care and start tripping on him. I feel bad when I realize I just misunderstood him smh and even then he’s so patient and lets me know things will be alright. Sometimes I feel he will leave me for being the crazy American girl lol. I will go see him next year for 2 months then he will come here for a month. I just really hope this works out because I really care about him and I have learned so much about myself since meeting him. Wish me luck because I really want him to be mine forever! This article really helped because he went to visit his mom in another state and there their is no internet, so for the first time in our relationship I hadn’t talked with him for a few days until today. I went through so many thoughts and emotions. Even to the extent of thinking maybe he didn’t want to be with me anymore even though he told me he would have days he wouldn’t be able to talk to me before he left and he has never given me a reason not to trust or believe him. LDR are tricky but I am willing.
The LDR is what tore our relationship apart. We were much closer emotionally while face to face than when we she moved away. It’s alien seeing them on screen but not able to touch the person you love, especially as time trudges along.
Saying not having sex and instead having virtual sex with your partner day and day out is not that big of a difference, is absurd. People need to have sexual intimacy in person. While these video calls and videos we made for each other were fun for awhile, it eventually becomes stale and boring and is no strong substitute for the real.thing. Yes, you would feel the sexual tension.release but after.awhile it became disconnected because the.emotional bond isn’t nearly as strong because they’re not beside you.
I do agree misunderstandings happen more frequently in.an LDR. The.smallest things would create silly disagreements or arguments. The LDR brought out the worst of us because of the frustration of being apart.
I have had two LDR’s now and I won’t do it again. The mental, physical, and emotional anguish of being apart was not worth it.
We have been in a relationship for almost 6 months now and have been in a LDR for nearly 3 months. Honestly I feel that we’re very lucky in some ways. We come from the same country but different states, had about 3 months of time together before he flew to the UK for university (we’re both asians). Currently we’re having 7 hour timezone differences but it will end in two weeks when I move to Germany for university. It would still be long distance, but better than having time differences and frankly, we were sort of in a LDR since the beginning as he often went back to his home state before he went to the UK. It took us a bit of getting used to when he first moved to the UK due to the timezone differences and the activities at his university, but open communication really helped solving the problems and now we’re at a very good place. Being honest with how disconnected you feel, or even any insecurity you’re experiencing, is very important.
4 years of LDR, I hope we’ll survive it. :) We talk about the future too and it really helps to keep us optimistic about this whole LDR business.
Being in a ldr for 3 months has raised many questions , concerns opposed to close in proximity relations. Personally, I was feeling very positive until finding mostly negative feedback online. This article proves logically refreshing !!
The most interesting findings, is that it comes down to basic healthy relationship criteria and our preconceived notions.. Whether Near or Far.
You must love yourself ( who you are) before you can love another.. If you are unsure, than seek help and you will have more love n peace in your life.
It has been 14 years in a long distance relationship; married for the last 11. We have been through almost every emotion and situation imaginable inlcuding loss of family members, job changes, child diagnosed with chronic disease, building a house together, etc etc etc…it is the hardest thing we have ever done and we still have two years left to be apart, but our commitment is stronger than ever. I would love to find another couple that has experienced being apart this long. We refer to ourselves as “married, living apart.” I am depressed and wonder how I will make it these last two years.
I survived a 3-year long international LDR, so I truly understand the pain and constant stress LDR lovers can experience! But stay strong everyone :)
It’s worth it.
I just started living apart from my LDR. We were dating for about 2 months when I had to leave.
To be honest I think it’s going great so far. Even tho he is 15000km away and live in different timezones we manage to talk often and we have kind of a plan so it’s easier for both of us. (Watching a movie while talking on the phone at least once a week for example). I’ve only been seperated from him for a month and it feels like it’s been ages. We did have an arguement once, because we didn’t really talk about the whole LDR thing. But now everything is fine so far. He will be coming over this Christmas and since he’s never been in another country than his it’ll be really exciting!
The article really helped too. It made me more aware of the fact how good we managed some things already. Actually we are talking about Ground Rules right now.
Thanks a lot!!
Im in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years now. We know each other through Christian Dating site. We video call everyday and sending videos and messages every single days for 2 years before we meet in person, due to financial problem thats why we can’t meet right away. We are 8000 miles away from each other. Its not always easy but when we finally meet we spent 6 weeks each other and he proposed to me. As of now we are saving money for our wedding and visa processing fee. its already 1 year past by since he visited me. But trust, loyalty, quality time and a relationship with God is our key to keep our relationship stronger until now. Hopefully by 2019 we can see each other again.
2 months, 12 days – haven’t physically met yet. Might be happening in the next 2 months. He’s on a major project over 7000 miles away and lives literally across the world from me. I’ve NEVER been in a LDR before and am reading up voraciously on the subject. I really hope this is successful.
13 years and ready to throw in the towel.
Been together almost 2 years and LD for 1.5 years of it. We are going strong but I am feeling the urgency of that we cannot remain in limbo like this forever. I love where I live, he loves where I live, but he took a permanent position where he lives; which is 1,200 miles away. He has to stay there for 4-5 years. It is tough not knowing if I should stay in a place I love and have great friends, or move to a place I do not like to be near him.
He doesn’t want to be the main factor for me moving where he is. But I don’t know if we could survive another 4-5 years LD. Even if we were making “a lot” of money to see each other 1 to 1.5 times a month.
It is almost time for us to have this talk again because I do not want to procrastinate on a decision like this.
This is a very great article. This is part of my struggles with my LDR. I have to work very hard to separate my life into compartments so I won’t be feeling so alone and by myself as I do. My attachment has put in some bad head spaces. This is my first LDR so I’m trying to get a handle on it. I know I have to have trust and be patient. Two things I struggled with. Any how, thank u for these insights.
Couples in LDRs often talk about something researchers have called “compartmentalization.” This refers to psychologically breaking their life up into distinct compartments – one the life they have when they’re together with their partner, and the other the life they have when apart. When they are separated they move into the “apart” compartment and focus on work or self-improvement or socializing; thoughts about the partner are present but not paramount or all consuming. This helps them psychologically deal with the separation. Those who just “sit by the phone” have not developed an “apart” compartment and they still try to live in the “together” world even when they’re not.
D, how far is halfway across the world? What did you both discuss and commit to exactly? Did you have any issues? How did you do it?
2 years, halfway across the world – still going strong. You both have to have commitment.
Well, it’s been just over 4 years for my relationship. While we talk every day, we barely see one another so I can relate to the disconnection. I’ve only seen him for 5 days out of that 4 years so I’m feeling VERY disconnected. And it’s made FAR worse by the mere fact that seeing me doesn’t seem to be very interesting to him. We also NEVER talk about when we’ll see one another so that leads me to believe that he’s never even thought about it.
Oh well…guess I can’t even succeed at a long distance relationship!
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It will be three years of separation for me and my partner, so we’ll have a lot to discuss on topics like this. Great advice, thanks.
How long do they typically date before marrying and does it increase success?
This helps since everyone around me has an opinion of what should be happening, how often, etc.
Great advice. I struggle with the alone time since it has been 8 years since I have had someone in my life.