Resources for Therapists and Clinicians – Long Distance Relationships

Please take note! This is original work by Dr. Guldner, all credit goes to the rightful creators.

Frequently, therapists, counselors, psychologists and other clinicians work with geographically separated couples or individuals who are in a long distance relationship. An understanding of how these relationships differ from more traditional relationships aids in couples therapy. Similarly, an understanding of the emotional reactions to separation can assist those clinicians working with an individual having difficulty with a long distance relationship.

We offer an outline designed to introduce therapists to the basics of long distance relationships. Also a downloadable PowerPoint presentation that teaches similar content can be found here. You will also find a downloadable version of the Separation Inventory, a paper-and-pencil assessment tool for long distance couples. Finally, we provide a downloadable PDF of resources for separated couples. Also, you might want to go to the Media Section and look at the News Releases for long distance couples and look at recent research on separated couples.

Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy & Healthy Relationship When Couples Have to Be Apart

Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

Introduction

Goals

Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships.
Expose an expert audience of professionals to the current state-of-the-art research-based understanding of long distance relationships.

Objectives

Understand LDRs:
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs
- Assess
  - Demographics
  - Personality
  - Support System
  - Relationship
  - Support
    - Stages of Separation
    - Staying emotionally healthy
    - Staying intimate
    - Sexuality while separated
    - Communicating
    - Conflict at a distance
    - Sexual Affairs
    - Hellos/Goodbyes
    - Gender differences
    - Ending the separation

Dr. Guldner’s Background

Graduate of Purdue University’s Clinical Psychology program and Stanford University Medical School
Research Focus
- Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992
- Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995
- Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student Development; 37, 1996
- Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency, Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001
- Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne
- Personal Experience

PART I – UNDERSTANDING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

Understand LDRs
Assess LDRs
Support LDRs

Understanding LDRs

Understand
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs

Defining an LDR

Specific distance cut-off
Specific location cut-off
Self-defining
- My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.

Understanding LDRs

Understand
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs

Prevalence of LDRs

Marital LDRs
Pre-Marital
- College Student

National Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972

3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse
Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart.
10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

Pre-Marital LDRs

College Students
Internet Dating
Military
Certain Industries
- Oil
- Fishing
- Logging
- College Students
  - 25-40% (1993)
  - 50% of First Years (1992)
  - 33% (1987)
  - 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996)

Understanding LDRs

Understand
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs

Do LDRs Work?

Marriage or Pre-Marital?
Military / combat or Civilian?
What does it mean “to work”?
- Continuity (break-up rate over time)
- Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs?

Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs
- Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295
- Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34
- Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279
- Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17
- No adequate data on marital LDRs
  - Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs?

The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of
- Satisfaction
- Intimacy
- Trust
- Commitment
- Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320
- Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281
- Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279
- Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31
- Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984.
- Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210
- Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219
- Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

Understanding LDRs

Understand
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

The Individual
- Depression
  - Military Separations
    - Clinical Depression
    - Civilian
      - Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295.
      - Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR
      - Minor Depressive symptoms common
      - Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

The Individual
- Anxiety
  - Uncertainty
  - Jealousy / Sexual Affairs
  - Dis-inhibition (loss of support)
Guilt
- Violating norms
- Choice of career “over” relationship
Emotional “rollercoaster”

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

The Relationship
- Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances)
- Relationship momentum slowed
  - Progress toward marriage more slowly
  - Break-up more slowly
Idealization and Disillusionment
Difficulties in Communication
Sexuality at a Distance
Re-integration
Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

Understanding LDRs

Understand
- Defining LDRs
- Prevalence of LDRs
- Do LDRs work?
- Difficulties with LDRs
- Advantages of LDRs

Advantages of an LDR

Individual Productivity
Novelty
- Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs
- Plan exciting activities
- Compartmentalization
  - Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment
  - Idealization

PART II – ASSESSING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

Understand LDRs
Assess LDRs
Support LDRs

Assessing an LDR

Personality
Demographics
Support System
Relationship Characteristics

Assessing LDRs

Assess
- Demographics
- Personality
- Support System
- Relationship
- Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Demographics

Least important of the four components
Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated
Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction
Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

Assessing an LDR: Demographics

Other demographics
- Total duration of the relationship
- Duration of Separation
- Duration as a PR prior to LDR
- Distance
- Age

Assessing LDRs

Assess
- Demographics
- Personality
- Support System
- Relationship
- Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Personality

Learning Style Inventory
- Visualizers
- Verbalizers
- Touchers
- Attachment Styles
  - Secure
  - Avoidant
  - Ambivalent / Anxious

Assessing an LDR: Personality

Self-Esteem
- Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with separation
- Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship quality among LDRs but not PRs
- Independence
- Optimism
- Trust
- Telephone and Letter Habits

Assessing LDRs

Assess
- Demographics
- Personality
- Support System
- Relationship
- Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Support

Types of Support
- Emotional
- Appraisal
- Informational
- Instrumental
- Sources of Support
  - Partner
  - Family
  - Friends
  - Context

Assessing LDRs

Assess
- Demographics
- Personality
- Support System
- Relationship
- Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Relationship

Issues specific to LDRs
- Communication issues
- Expectations
- Conflict Management
  - Telephone

PART III – SUPPORTING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

Understand LDRs
Assess LDRs
Support LDRs

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs:

Understanding Separation

Emotional Stages of Separation
- Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych
  - Protest (Anger, Bargaining)
  - Despair (Depression to various degrees)
  - Detachment (Productive or Destructive)
  - Kubler-Ross
    - Denial and Isolation
    - Anger
    - Bargaining
    - Depression
    - Acceptance

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy

Ten Step Program

Maintain a satisfying relationship
Socialize
Emotional vs. Social Loneliness
Find a Confidant
Touching
Take Control
Positive Thinking / Reframing
View the Separation as Temporary
Acknowledge Contributions
Transitional Objects
Healthy Sexuality

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy

Intimacy Components
- Emotional Sharing
- Interrelatedness
- Emotional Sharing
  - LDRs may do this more easily than PRs
  - Interrelatedness
    - Central Issue for LDR Intimacy
    - Focus on the mundane
      - Serial vs. Parallel Communication

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Contact

Face-to-face visits
- Conflicting research
- Opinion suggests at least once a month
- Early studies had design issues
  - Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88
    - Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only
    - Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141
      - Definition of LDR
      - Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216
        
        Outcome “happier” with relationship

Supporting an LDR: Contact

Face-to-face visits
Larger studies & longitudinal studies
- No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship
  - Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320
  - Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230
  - Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992
  - Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay

Supporting an LDR: Contact

Telephone Calls
- No evidence to suggest positive correlation or threshold effect
- Frequency may be negatively correlated
  - More calls more conflict?
  - More conflict more calls?

Supporting an LDR: Contact

Writing Letters.
- Cross-sectional.
  - Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality.
Longitudinal.
- Couples who stayed together wrote one another almost twice as often as those who broke-up.
- Measures of relationship quality identical at time-one.

Supporting an LDR: Contact

Writing Letters
- Peculiarities of Letters
  - Transitional objects
  - Tangible
  - Re-readable
  - Scent
  - Generally conveys mostly positive messages
Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate letter writing
Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes

Key Strategies for Making Reunions Even Better
- It’s okay to schedule time by oneself
- Schedule time with mutual friends
- Schedule time out in public as a couple
- Expect to be disappointed periodically
- Don’t over schedule
- Keep the timing of reunions predictable

Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes

Key Strategies for Facilitating Goodbyes
Recognize multiple ways of saying goodbye
- Develop goodbye rituals
- Avoid anticipatory distancing if possible
- Expect periodic disappointing reunions
- Call one another early to discuss process
- Accept some excitement about leaving

Supporting LDRs

Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation